ST. LOUIS, MO—The rumors are confirmed: local authorities are issuing eclipse glasses to any teacher who wants to review the latest brilliant initiatives by the State Board of Education.

“It’s just no longer worth the risk,” district public relations official Les Tokaboudit told reporters. “Every week in our great state thousands of teachers and citizens are exposed. Who knows how much irreversible eye damage has already occurred?”

Reporters caught up with assistant superintendent Justina Pickle for comment, who confirmed: “Eclipse glasses are now required at all times when state mandates or initiatives are being discussed.”  Pickle went on to explain, “When it is just our local school board enlightening us, the knock-off ones, or even a good pair of sunglasses will work. But when the state becomes involved, only certified ISO equipment is safe. The constant barrage of enlightened directives for teachers from the state can be hazardous for the uninitiated.”

The only safe time to remove the glasses is during totality, when the state board of education and the state legislature stop micromanaging teachers—an event experts say occurs only once every 400 years.

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