This goes out, with tongue deeply in cheek, to this year’s seniors. Choose wisely.

CUPERTINO, CA—A local man, Zack Gunderson, followed his heart and had passion to spare, yet inexplicably has still failed miserably at every one of his life goals since graduating from college 15 years ago. Puzzled sources close to the man are at a loss to explain why.

Family and friends close to Gunderson agreed that he is an utter failure, despite unrivaled passion and determination to follow his heart.

“I just don’t get it. Zack always refused to settle. He followed his dream and yet, somehow, he has fallen on his face,” an old college friend told reporters. “He could even quote portions of Steve Jobs’ 2005 commencement speech at Stanford word-for-word. I mean, he never lost faith. Ever. It makes no sense at all.”

“He did everything Jobs told those graduates to do, and yet he is now obviously a hungry and foolish failure,” another puzzled friend added.

“It’s almost as if the world doesn’t care about how passionate we are and just wants marketable skills. And we know that can’t be true. Am I right?”

Gunderson’s friends and associates sadly confirmed that his failure is total, encompassing everything from the useless college major he chose, to his massive unpaid student loan debt, to the years devoted to an obviously unfruitful career path, to the non-marketable skills he acquired and to the lack of quality contacts he has made over the last several years.

“I guess he just didn’t trust enough in his gut, destiny, life, karma or whatever,” his mother told reporters.

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