CHARLESTON, WV—After years of alleged imprisonment and neglect in a world language classroom, a TPRS novel at long last made a harrowing escape from local high school, sources confirmed Thursday.

The novel told local police investigators it was able to escape the classroom where it had been imprisoned and ignored for years by waiting until the exact time that the classroom teacher was away making copies of work packets for the students next week, when it sprinted down the hall, through the abandoned school library and out the side door of the building. A passing motorist saw the novel on a street corner yelling for help and gave it a ride to the police station, according to the testimony of the scorned book. The novel claimed it had not been read or even picked up in over three years. Police investigators agree it is a wonder that it had withstood that degree of heedlessness and contempt.

“Disrespect and inattention to reading materials is a very real problem in America,” lead investigator Rex Nelson told reporters. “We see cases like this far too often. Many world language teachers claim to love language learner novels in public, but in the secrecy of their own classrooms throughout the week, they mercilessly scorn, slight and disregard free reading materials in favor of worksheets.”

The novel has been placed into a foster home and charges are pending against the teacher.

News that’s fake, but not by much from, your trusted source for educational satire.