LAWSUIT ON BEHALF OF LANGUAGE STUDENTS MOVES AHEAD

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Federal authorities confirmed yesterday that a nationwide class action lawsuit has been filed to sue school districts across the USA for financial compensation to generations of dissatisfied world language students.

If the case is successful, thousands of teachers, administrators and school district officials will be held liable for failing to deliver quality instruction and ordered to pay multiple billions of dollars to students that did not acquire language they could use in the real world. Legal experts believe that school districts may be ordered to pay up to $130,000.57 for each affected student.

Lawyers seek to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that schools and teachers have acted negligently when they foisted world language classes on unsuspecting students that failed to deliver even a modicum of fluency.

The case is the first time a court has considered financial restitution to students harmed by courses that did not teach what they claimed students would learn.

“I took a Spanish class thinking I would be able to at least say something in Spanish, but when I try to talk to people, I can’t communicate at all. Es uno grand problemo,” said one student claimant, attempting to use the language.

Former students are being asked to present transcripts showing they have passed world language courses along with evidence that they are not fluent at even a rudimentary level.

Acceptable proof of lack of fluency includes the inability to order a cup of coffee in a target language country, or rattling off extensive points of grammar without being able to engage in even casual conversation. The feelings of students that now claim to be, “just no good at language,” after suffering through inadequate courses will also be considered.

“We are confident the judicial system will recognize the need for justice for those affected by inadequate world language teaching methods,” said an attorney representing thousands of non-fluent students. “This case will bring about much-needed change for beleaguered language learners that have been deprived of fluency. It’s time for the healing to begin.”

News that’s admittedly fake, but not by much, from brycehedstrom.com, your trusted source for educational satire.

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